Today I hang my head in utter defeat. The blueprints to my escape plan have indeed been torn apart. It seems like the universe is actually stopping this from happening. Not so much like a sign, but more like a ‘fuck you, you’re not entitled to be happy. At least not just yet’. So pretty much now I have to come to terms with the fact that I have a lot of work to do, a shit load of saving up and credit repayments to organize. There is no easy way out, which sucks because it almost seems like everyone else gets a chance in these situations and for some reason I do not. This wasn’t meant to be a self pity post but you know what, fuck it. I’m on the other side of the world to the person I love and I actually can’t do anything about it except wait. All I can do is wait.
At this very moment I am supposed to be asleep so I can rise up early for a ‘job search appointment’ with a recruitment agency. So that roughly translates to ‘sit in a room that is filled with your fellow losers, outcasts and junkies, look for jobs for 4 hours on a piece of shit computer, then go home and continue looking for employment, realizing you’ve wasted your day searching for jobs you aren’t even qualified for’.
On the upside to not seeing/talking to Cathy, having no plan about getting to her, and not having employment, I am for some reason really enjoying snooker.
Hope tomorrow brings me some joy, otherwise there’ll be words on this page, and maybe a crucified animal. ‘Hail Satan!’
One day I’ll look back and realize what I could have done better. Adding to the list of opportunities I’ve already missed out on.
And if for some reason we never seem to make it happen,
You will be at the top of my list, making the rest of my shattered dreams seem so insignificant.
I give up.
For today and as long as I stay in this mind set, I’m done.
And with my hands,
I push the earth away from me
Be someone for the next person.
Who can relate, and feel.
To laugh with and cry with.
Who you can offer your love.
Soul you can accept into your heart.
To have and to hold.
To hold close to your chest.
That isn’t me.
Scraping paint off the walls,
As they close in.
Tighter and tighter,
The confines contract and strangle,
And you wake,
In a field.
An open field with sun shining,
The sky’s blue staining your skin.
This is happiness.
But the sludge crawls slowly,
Across the velvet blue,
Darkened until blind.
Walls emerge from beneath,
And take your breath away.
And you wake.
I’m so sad I can’t even fucking write.
That you won’t always love me.
As my body lay,
Each limb, they turn to stone.
Distance seems infinite,
Tonight we sleep alone.
I actually have nothing.
This could be it and we don’t even know.
We don’t know anything and that’s the problem.
Golden Gate Bridge,San Francisco
My partner shall be visiting such a place while I lay myself down to rest.
By the time I wake up, her day will be over and my exciting journey to the post office begins.
Passport here I come!
The day I am with her again will be my final entry.
It wasn’t long before she was on that plane. Flying halfway across the earth, and cheating the illusion of time. I find it hard to comprehend, like I can’t exactly feel the full extent of what has just happened. It’s almost a numbness that throbs and squeezes in my chest. I keep promising myself that I won’t fall apart, that I won’t become broken and replaceable. This is the time to be strong and get my life together.
There is no doubt in my mind for what I need to do.
Dry your eyes.